Sunday Confession

We don't go to church anymore. Haven't for, well, pretty much since Henry died. Why? I don't know. Really. I think we should go, I think we are bad people not to go. So, why don't we? Well, one, maybe we're simply lazy. It is so much easier to avoid the challenge and stay home. If we were to go to any church, our first choice would be SW Church of Christ. Yes, we agree with the objections about all the baggage that goes along with a building and paid staff, etc. Read Ron Highfield.... we agree with him. But SW supported us through our trauma, they paid for Henry's grave, they gave us love in the most tangible ways to help us through those first dark months. They LOVED us.

But whenever we go back – I'm speaking for me, now; I'm not sure about Jim – I can't escape the feeling of failure that hits me when I enter that auditorium (we don't call it a sanctuary in the church of Christ). I failed my children by not bringing them here when they were little, to bring them up in the faith. I failed Henry by not helping him be more involved in church life so that he felt more support in his depression. I was not a good role model, I should have been more involved myself, and more forceful about preaching the gospel to my kids.

I just can't be there. But anywhere else is not home. So I don't go anywhere. That is a lame, sinful excuse for not going to church.

I read on FB today a conversation about church and its shortcomings. It's not supportive of the gay community, of women, etc. People were writing off God because of Bible verses that don't seem to make sense in today's culture. One person made the argument that it's reasonable that we might not be able to understand fully the mind of the creator of the universe. But that fell on deaf ears. To me, though, that is a good argument. I can't explain calculus to my dog. Well, mainly that's because I can't understand calculus myself. But I can't even explain arithmetic to my dog. Does it not make sense that the same conundrum exists between us and our creator? He MUST have thoughts that not only don't make sense to us, but we can't even understand the context of them. Knowing this and accepting it requires a fundamental humility that is absolutely necessary to becoming a Christian. Some people, many people, will never be able to cross that line. They cannot give up “me.” They don't feel they should – in fact, it seems wrong that they should be asked to. It's a red flag to them. I understand that, but I believe that that path is a sad one, with no hope at the end.

I happen to believe that the verses in the Bible that talk about women being subject to men, remaining silent in church, etc, have been misinterpreted, that the message of Paul's letters on that subject are actually about something entirely different and of local importance, at the time they were written. But here is my crazy point: so what? How we as women are treated today or in history is important, but it is not the most important subject we should be concerned about. What is most important is this: are we putting God first in our lives, loving him above all others, and loving our neighbors as ourselves? Of course we're not. But is this what we're striving for? That is what our lives should be about. And I'm preaching to myself first.

I am blue most Sundays. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm not at church. Maybe it's because it used to be the day when our family would gather for a meal after church; Henry would be the one who objected the loudest when we missed an occasion to do that. Maybe I'm just having a Sunday pity party and I need to get over it.